Archive for May, 2010

Her hands…

May 21, 2010

I have her hands.

We always talked about it but never told anyone. It was our secret. Hers much more wrinkled and tanned from years in the sun. Her hands had endured 87 years of life. They had held numerous babies and grandbabies and great-grandbabies and had held hands of husbands and so many friends and planted thousands of beautiful flowers.

Now, there is one less hug I will get each time I go home.

There won’t be anyone to make me my favorite cucumber salad at holidays.

My child won’t remember meeting her or being held by her when she was brand new. She won’t remember giving her kisses when she was not even two.

My grandmother was such a special person with such a big heart. She was like a grandmother was supposed to be.

The only grandmother I really knew.

She was soft and caring and never forgot to send a birthday card. She was a good listener and loved animals and babies and all the stuff grandmothers are supposed to love.

I will truly miss her but she will always be with me… because I have her hands.

Being a mom sucks sometimes….

May 6, 2010

It’s interesting that Mother’s day is coming up this week, because this has been one of the most challenging weeks I’ve had so far in my short time as a mother.

Kaela started daycare this week. She had been going to a private sitter who loved her like one of her own children. Now, it couldn’t be further from that.

I wanted to send her to daycare. I wanted her to get the experience of being around more children and doing more activities and learning new things. I think she is getting all of that. I also wanted her to get special attention on her first week in this strange place. I wanted to be able to call and check on her without the person on the line sounding annoyed. I hoped to feel comfortable with the situation and know she is getting the best possible care.

I don’t feel that way.

I’m sure I am just not used to the new place and the fact that Kaela is just one of many children. She isn’t “special” to them, just another butt to wipe and another mouth to feed. I came to terms with the fact that I am not able to be the one to comfort her when she needs it while I’m at work…. but I want someone to kiss the boo-boo’s, wipe the tears and quietly sing her favorite song. Instead I get a form to sign because she fell and hit her head and I’m guessing there wasn’t a lot of singing or kissing going on.

I always heard my friends talk about “mommy guilt” but I had no idea it would be so bad… or so hard. I’ve never been good at transitional phases and this is a big one. So I am going to put on my big-girl pants and get through this. In the mean-time though, Devon is going to go by and spy on them and I’m going to do it tomorrow… I said I would get through it, I didn’t say it would be pretty!